Life is not fair. Why is this such a hard concept to swallow?

I know life isn't fair. I am an adult. I do understand the concept. But when something happens to remind you that life isn't fair, sometimes it can be a very difficult pill to swallow.

I won't get into what has precipitate this post. However, I will say that my heart aches for a friend. I haven't stopped thinking about my friend for the last couple of days. I am upset, sadden and angry. But there is nothing I can do, other than to say a little prayer and give darling daughter an extra hug. And sometimes, when life isn't fair, praying and giving your loved ones hugs is all you can do, I guess.

The never ending rinse cycle

One of my morning chores is emptying out the dishwasher. It is more of a ritual now because I do it every day. Emptying out the dishwasher must be one of the boring and tedious tasks known to mankind. Every time I turn around I'm unloading the dishwasher and stacking its contents back into my kitchen cupboards. If the opportunity presents itself, I ask dear husband for his assistance in completing this task. He will help, but he too complains.

Well, imagine my surprise this morning when I opened the dishwasher and discovered the granular crystals were still in the dispenser. Grrr! I did a lot of silent cursing to myself. I blamed the problem on the dispenser door. I'm not a big fan of granular crystals, but I'm trying to use up a box of Sunlight dishwashing detergent before opening my mega can of detergent tablets. Last night I had to sweep away some the granular crystals away before I was able to close the door. Although the dishes looked cleaned, I decided that I should put them through the wash cycle again.

This time I used one of the tablets. Once the wash cycle was done, I expected the dishes to be clean. They were, but the little tablet was stuck to the dishwasher door. WTF?!? All of a sudden it wasn't the dispenser door that was at fault. It was mine. I had put darling daughter's plastic insert of her high chair tray in front of the door, not along the side of the rack where I usually put it. The insert was preventing the dispenser door from fully opening. Oops. My bad.

As they say, third time's a charm. I flicked the tablet back into the dispenser, closed the door and hit the start button again. You don't have to tell me that David Suzuki would be disappointed about the energy and resources I wasted in trying to get my dishes sparkling clean. Actually, I was cringing when I pressed the start button, however, there was no way I was washing all those dishes by hand.

This little episode got me thinking about how dependent I am on my dishwasher. The dishwasher is a glorious thing. Despite my complaining and whining when cleaning the damn thing out, I don't think I could live without it, especially when making baby food. The dishwasher is truly a lifesaver in this modern day and age.

The point is this: we need Canadian content

Right at this present moment, I am listening to the finale of The Point on CBC Radio One. The Point, an hour long show hosted by Aamer Haleem, that invited Canadians to listen and join into the conversations and debates on the topics of the day. It was my kind of show. I always enjoy panelists and pundits debating subjects, even if the topics can be considered a bit trivial. The show is a victim of recent CBC cuts announced to make up for its $171 million shortfall.

Another downer is Ontario Today. It has been reduced from two hours to one. I really enjoy listening to this show as it is not only informative, but entertaining as you learn about current events not only happening in your own backyard, but in different areas of the province. Even though I hate gardening, I faithfully listening the show's regular garden segment. (Did you know only primates are allergic to poison ivy? Apparently cows like the stuff and birds like eating the berries). I guess I should be thankful the show wasn't cancelled altogether.

One of my Sunday traditions after watching Coronation Street was tuning into CBC Sunday. It has been cancelled. No more witticisms made by Evan Solomon and Carole MacNeil. *Sigh*

So my point is, CBC has done it once again: screwed me over, pardon my language. I should really know better from previous experience. I used to watch Riverdale, a soap opera that ran after Coronation Street, and it was cancelled. Da Vinci's City Hall, which was a fantastic show, was cancelled after one season. This is Wonderland also got the boot. Yep, I've learned not to get too attached to CBC shows because eventually they will be shown the door.

Despite my grumblings, I have always given the CBC a second chance. Lately, CBC Radio One has been playing constantly in my house as it helps me to retain my sanity. Listening to people talk about the topics of the day makes me feel connected to the outside world. It is sad as a nation that we are losing this important programming. Although the CBC has been criticized by some suggesting the public broadcaster is no longer needed, I disagree. Canadian content is important. You aren't going to find stories important to Canadians on CNN or Fox News. Yes, we have private Canadian broadcasters, but they are fighting for their corporate lives. Here in Ottawa, A-Channel eliminated its 6 p.m. and 11 p.m. newscast, resulting in less choice for viewers when turning into local news programming. And it looks like Canwest Global is teetering on the brink of bankrupcy. It is hard times in the media industry. As the Cinderella song goes, Don't know what you got (till it's gone). Hopefully no more national, provincial or local programming will be shown the door.

I buy baby food, part one

If you are a regular follower of my blog, you'll know I have an aversion to making baby food. I find it to be time consuming, messy and frustrating task. But despite my dislike of making the stuff, I do make it. However, I've decided it is time to draw the line.

With this week's heat wave, there is no way I will bake sweet potatoes or squash. The heat from the oven will heat the house even more and I already feel guilty enough for jacking up the air conditioning. Plus, dear husband and I haven't used the oven for our meals in the last couple of days because it has been so hot. So I have decided to buy baby food when the weather is like this. I'll be honest, I already have a stash of commercially made baby food in my cupboard for days when we are away at meal time, but it has grown in recent days. And as you can see in the photo, my stash of frozen baby food has been significantly depleted. (As an aside, aren't my cubes pretty? Sometimes I open the freezer just to admire my work. Hey, making the stuff is hard work.) I only have a handful of baby cubes filled with carrots and peas, and the remaining cubes are fruit. Although darling daughter would be over the moon if I was to feed her only fruit, the kid needs her vegetables.

Darling daughter is not a big fan of commercially-made veggies. They are bland tasting and they have a runny consistency. But she will eat them when she has to. Shopper's Drug Mart (one of my favourite stores!) has its store brand of organic baby food on sale. (Priced at 69 cents a jar. I do believe you can take advantage of this price until mid-August). She seems to like the fruit and she didn't turn up her nose at the carrots I fed her at lunch.

In a way, I feel guilty for not slaving away in a hot kitchen to make her baby food. But unless it is a fruit or vegetable that can go right into the blender without being cooked, the kitchen is closed for now.

Summer fun

I have decided that I'm going to have fun this summer.

This is a big step for me. Traditionally, I haven't paid much attention to summer. It's hot, sticky and sunny. Hot, sticky and sunny isn't my kind of weather. Also, I have had a tendency not to take holidays in the summer. During my "working career," I've taken holiday time during the fall when the weather is cooler. Cooler weather is my time of weather.

But I'm starting to understand why people like summer so much: there is so much to do. I can take darling daughter on walks, to the park, to the splash pad and to an outdoor pool if I so desire. I can't do any of these activities on a cool day in October.

There is a small piece of me that feels guilty for me partaking in these fun activities while dear husband works in a downtown office. I'm having fun while he isn't. However, I came to the conclusion yesterday that I would expect my day care provider to take darling daughter to the park, splash pad, outdoor pool or out on walks if I was working. So it makes absolute no sense for me to stay at home and worrying that I will have too much "fun" if I take darling daughter outside. (Yeah, you don't have to tell me that sometimes my thinking makes absolutely no sense. I am perfectly aware of this fact.) I'm starting to tell myself that life is too short for these kinds of silly worries.

A couple of weeks ago, I hosted a barbecue and invited some moms over. In the course of our conversation, one of the moms said she was talking to a friend and her friend had asked her what she was up to. When she told her friend that she was going to a barbecue with other moms, her friend was kind of jealous that she was able to go to a barbecue in the middle of a week day. While my mom friend may have felt guilty about the reaction she received from her friend, she shouldn't. Regardless if you are a stay at home parent, a parent on maternity leave, or a parent who happens to have the day off, you shouldn't feel guilty about having fun. As I pointed out to my friend, one could consider this a network lunch. Dear husband is able to go out to lunch with his friends, so why can't I? We are networking by sharing our parenting experiences, so what is the big deal? So what if we are having a barbecue on a weekday? Yes, not everyone can, but we can. Sometimes there are few fun opportunities that parents can take advantage of, so we might as well take advantage of them when we can.

So here I come summer. No more worries. I want to have fun, so bring on the sunshine!

The hat wars

See this hat? Isn't it a pretty hat? I love the red lady bugs and the white polka dotted bow. This hat is one of my favourite treasures I found at a local consignment shore. It would be a much more prettier hat if darling daughter would keep it on her head. She doesn't. She yanks it off her head at every opportunity and chews it. For all the good it is doing her, I might as well keep it on the Cabbage Patch Doll.

Ah, the hat wars. I can't remember when the war began. Maybe the day that I thought darling daughter looked absolutely adorable in her hat is the day she decided that no hat would no longer grace the top of her head. It is very frustrating, especially when the UV index is six or higher. For some reason, babies don't listen to reason.

I've tried hats that chin straps. Nope, they are quickly yanked off and the strap ends up in darling daughter's mouth. I've tried hats that are relatively tight. Nope, they don't stay on either. In fact, I found such a hat splayed out on the walkway earlier this afternoon. It was hers. Darling daughter must have taken it off and threw it on the ground. She has a habit of throwing her hat on the ground in the hopes I won't notice. I've picked up her hats numerous times off the ground. At least all that bending over is good exercise.

I envy mothers who can get their kids to keep their hats on the top of their heads. Maybe these kids have some kind of special gene that causes hats to stay put. Or maybe they know the importance of keep covered while they are in the summer sunshine. Who knows? All I know is that my kid, for the life of her, won't keep a hat on. Frustrating indeed!

Do what the song says: Don't worry, be happy

Remember that song, Don’t Worry, Be Happy? If my memory is correct, the song also sparked the sale of smiley-face T-shirts that simply said: Don’t Worry, Be Happy. Ironically, I owned said T-shirt. I say ironically since I am one of the biggest worry warts on the face of the planet Earth.

Honestly, I worry about everything. I have been known to spend my days worrying. I worried so much over gas prices that I burst into tears one day that dear husband, who was known as dear boyfriend at the time, had to console me. My worrying abilities came to a head during my pregnancy. I worried over everything. I worried I was going to get listeria long before the listeria outbreak happened last summer. I worried if I was going to contract the West Nile Virus after getting bitten by a mosquito. Yep, I am surprised that darling daughter didn’t enter the world so neurotic that she wasn’t humming with nervous energy. Weirdly enough, she is one of the most laid back babies you’ll ever meet.

But you would think that my obsession over worrying would continue in my postpartum days, but that hasn’t been the case. I haven’t had many huge worries since darling daughter arrived last summer. Basically, I have been leading a worry-free life. It has been nice.

However, as darling daughter reaches her first year of life, I think my worry-free life will soon come to an end. And I saw my future when I was shopping for running shoes at the sports store yesterday. There was a family of four also looking at shoes -- mom, dad, older brother and younger sister. Both kids looked to be in their middle to early teenage years. While older brother reluctantly tried on running shoes, there was a glint in the eye of the younger child as she examined shoes. She picked up a pair and said, “these are only a hundred dollars,” before passing them over to her mother. Only a hundred dollars? Damn girl, I’ve been putting off buying new cross trainers for the last month because I’m too cheap to invest a hundred dollars into new shoes. I think the last time I bought new shoes may have been three years ago. The kid said her comment in a way that a hundred dollars is like ten or twenty dollars: easily spent without a second thought.

Then I started to worry. Is this is what darling daughter going to be like when she is a teenager? A child with expensive tastes? How can I afford to pay for her expensive tastes? Oh boy, I’m starting to hyperventilate as I write this.

Oh, but the worry train didn’t stop with that once incident. On the way home, I stopped for a red light at a traffic light. I looked over to my left and there was a large group of teenagers, about six or seven of them. I spot them carrying plain cardboard boxes with a little handle. Then I realize what was in these boxes: booze. These kids didn’t look to be much older than the girl in the shoe store. Do these kids parents know what they are up to?

Anyway, I know this is my future, and it scares me. I am in no hurry for darling daughter to grow up. Just witnessing these incidents make me want to enjoy every remaining last second of my daughter’s babyhood.

My big decision

Last week, a day after giving my official resignation to my employer, I was cleaning up half-gummed Cheerios on darling daughter’s high chair, wondering if the grass was greener on the other side.

I’ve traded in my reporter’s note pad to become a full-time stay at home mom. The decision wasn’t easy. We, as a family, now rely on my husband’s sole income, which is a scary prospect in recessionary times. I’ve given up the opportunity to continue in a career that I started nearly 11 years ago. However, despite our sacrifices in downsizing to one car and possibly delaying our decision to upgrade to a bigger house, we have decided having one parent at home on a full-time basis is the best for our family.

I know our decision doesn’t work for every family. Not every family can afford to have one parent stay at home. Also, not every family wants to pursue this option.
Recently, I went out to dinner with friends. Many of them have returned to work and as they talked about their jobs, I started to get a wee bit jealous. Their work sounds so exciting. How can cleaning up half-gummed Cheerios and making baby puree (while cursing under my breath) be exciting?

While technically I am still on maternity leave, I found this week incredibly hard. Maybe it has been the weather for the last two days or the fact that my decision is sinking in, but being a stay at home is harder than I actually thought it would be. I know it has only been a week, but am I really cut out for this? Only time will tell.

Although I do wonder if the grass is greener on the other side, I can’t picture my life any differently. Not going back to work was a hard decision to make, but the right one for me. I give anyone who has young children and works as a working journalist a huge amount of credit. But with tight deadlines, night assignments and working regular weekends, sacrifices would have to be made to my family life to balance my work. And I’m at the point in my life that I don’t think I can balance both equally, and something’s gotta give.

So today I will no longer I pledge that I will no longer obsess or apologize for my decision to stay at home. Of course, I will likely wonder if the grass is greener on the other side, but I’ll never know what this side of this grass feels like unless I’m standing on this side of the fence. I think Jeremy Adam Smith, summed up my feelings perfectly when he was interviewed by Evan Solomon on the CBC‘s The Current on Friday. Smith is the author of The Daddy Shift: How Stay At Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms and Shared Parenting Are Transforming the American Family. Here is a little bit of what he had to say.

“My feeling is there is so much guilt associated with parenting right now. There is so much ideology. Parents are walking around with these ideas about what a good parent does,” he said.

Smith feels people need to accept their own feelings. If they want to be a stay at home dad or mom then they should admit those feelings. If they want to work, then they should admit those feelings too.

“Once we get to a place where we can accept a high level of family diversity . . . we will be a lot happier.”

I couldn’t say it any better myself.

What to do, what to do. . .

It is a couple of minutes after 10 a.m., and I'm wondering what to do. I know what I don't want to do. (That would be laundry and dishes). I'd like to go to the park, but it is suppose to rain today. Since I don't want to do household tasks, I guess one of the options left for me to pursue is retail therapy. I'm not a retail therapy type of gal. I have to basically talk myself into going to the mall, especially with a baby in tow. And I can't go to the mall just at any time of the day as these things need to be timed. Will it before lunch? Should we go at lunch and bring food with us? Should it be before nap time or after nap time? So many questions. I know if we do go we'll blend in as it is mostly seniors and young mothers who roam the mall at this time of day.

Argh! I dislike days like this. I feel so unproductive. I want to do something, but what? Since darling daughter is still pretty small, most options such as going to a museum or Cosmic Adventures aren't all that age approperiate. *Sigh*

I certainly know what will happen today: I will hum and haw all day, wondering what to do and suddenly it will be 4 p.m. and I've decided nothing. *Sigh* Maybe it is a good laundry day.

I make baby food, part four

The saga of baby food continues.

Despite my dislike of making baby food, I continue to make it religiously. I think perhaps one of the main reasons I continue with the unending task of baby food making is that I have invested money into baby cubes. Baby cubes are plastic 70 ml square containers with lids. They sure beat fumbling with puree frozen in ice cube trays. I think I've got about 64 cubes. Although they are useful, they are expensive. Depending on the store, you can get them for $7 to $9 for a pack of eight baby cubes. As a result, I feel I need to use my investment, despite my aversion to making baby food.

Seeing I was running out of frozen fruit puree, I picked up two pounds of strawberries and a pineapple. An odd combination, but since darling daughter has ate both strawberries and pineapple, it just made sense to combine the two. After pureeing my creation in blender (which woke up darling daughter, argh!) I poured them into 19 baby cubes. So basically I have the equivalent of 9.5 jars of baby food. Since I spent $9 on the strawberries and pineapple, my 9.5 jar equivalents cost me about 95 cents each. So not that much of a savings when you can buy baby food as low as 64 cents a jar.

So in conclusion, the jury is out if baby food is out in terms of whether there are significant cost savings in making your own baby food. Yes, you know exactly what you are putting in your child's mouth. But in terms of saving money, if there is a cost savings, it is a limited one.

From Twilight to Shake Down

You may not agree with his politics, but every Canadian should read Ezra Levant's Shake Down: How our government is underminding democracy in the name of human rights. Quite simply, his book scares the pants off me and makes me wonder where the concept of common sense has gone. It is making me think twice before hitting the publish post button.

What happens when dawn breaks?

Dawn has broken and I am at a loss of what I should do.

I know writing about this is terribly silly as I am a 30-something woman who has a young child, but in the last three weeks I have tapped into my 17-year-old excitable teenage self by reading Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series. I have sat for hours, turning page after page, reading. I’ve stayed up late, reading. I’ve continued reading while dear husband has attempted to have conversations with me, to no avail because I’m too busy reading. I have discussed the books with friends. I have watched the Twilight movie. (And I’d watch it again if it wasn’t for the fact I’m too cheap to order it again from Rogers on Demand). And I have watched the New Moon trailer on the Internet several times. Oh, for the love of God, I don’t know how I got hooked on a story involving a vampire and a naïve, but clumsy teenaged girl, but I did and now I’m going through withdrawal since finishing the series.

This was my facebook status from a couple of days ago: Valerie McLaughlin is done reading the Twilight series. Now what will I obsess over?

From the responses I have received, apparently, I’m not the only one who feels the same way.

Friend A: I totally obsessed over them too. It was almost a let down once I finished. I want more!

Friend B: LOL, you have to her website and read Midnight Sun…it’s from Edward’s perspective…I’ve read it twice! I hope she finishes it and publishes it!

Friend C: So-and-so gave me some good ideas when I, too, was at a loss for obsession! I have yet to follow up on them (I guess that proves there IS life after Twilight, or perhaps I’ve just put more into my other obsession aka my “love for Jim Halpert) . . .

And this was my response to everyone’s comments: It has only been a day and I’m going through withdrawal. Friend B, I’m reading Midnight Sun and I hate reading off the internet, so that clearly shows how desperate I am for a Twilight fix. LOL. Friend C, I understand your love for Jim Halpert. :) I don’t know what I’ll do if or when the Office ends.

I must point out that the friends who responded to my status aren’t teenaged girls, but grown women.

In a way, we “Twilighters” are kind of like vampires. We devour the books and we want more. So I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and realize that they were a good read, but life has to move on. Only 160 days to the release of New Moon and 383 days to Eclipse. Can’t wait!

Poopie talk

This is the gist of how last night's conversation I had with dear husband when I returned home last night from book club:

Me: Why is the cushion of darling daughter's play yard hanging on the end of the play yard?

Dear husband: She had a massive poop.

Me: How massive?

Dear husband: Pretty massive.

Me: How massive is massive?

Dear husband: Massive enough that she made a bit of a mess of the cushion.

Me: Did she have diarrhea?

Dear husband: No, just a massive poop that escaped her diaper. It was pretty solid.

Me: That's good to know.

Mind you, this conversation took place in front of a family friend who was trying to curb her laughter. I don't blame her from laughing as it isn't every day that she sees two grown adults talking about poop. Laugh now, I told her, but you'll be having entire conversations about poop one day soon.

Yep, poop is a common fixture in my life. If I'm not cleaning it off darling daughter's bottom, I'm checking to see if there is any variation in the usual colour and texture. (Hey, I don't want to get to graphic, but you have to be aware of these things, just in case you encounter illness). In the very early days of darling daughter's life, we dutifully recorded each and every bowel movement, noting the time. Did she have a wet diaper? How wet was it? How poopie was her diaper? Was it a large poop or average? Has she pooped too much? Or hasn't pooped enough? Yeah, it is hard to believe, but that's what we did for a good month. We even have a little journal dedicated to her poops and pees, as well as when she ate. I plan to present it to her when she is an adult.

While I likely still have another year before darling daughter is ready to start transitioning out of the diaper stage, poop will likely be a conversation staple for me and dear husband. Yep, who knew poop talk could be so enthralling and so darn dirty.

Two cavities = $311

Is this going to hurt were the first words out of my mouth to the dental assistant when I sat down in the dentist's chair.

I've been putting off getting two cavities filled for more than a year. I first learned about the cavities when I was about 23 weeks pregnant with darling daughter. Yes, I could have had them filled last year, but I was such an emotional wreck when I was pregnant (will this hurt the baby? was a common question that came out of my mouth during my pregnancy) that I decided to put it off as long as I could. I came close to getting them filled in April, but I got extremely sick the night before that I was forced to cancel the appointment.

So here I was, a grown woman who has gone through child birth, which included two hours of pushing, and I was afraid of getting two cavities filled. Yeah, I know it makes no sense. The dental assistant promised me that it would only take 45 minutes of my life to deal with the situation at hand. I relaxed a bit until the dentist started jabbing me with needles to freeze my mouth. Let me tell you, I squeezed that dental assistant's hand so hard that I'm surprised she didn't scream in pain.

As the dentist started to drill, poke and fill my two cavities, I started to relax, but then random thoughts started running through my head. How about if he gets sick and is forced to stop the procedure and I'm left with a gaping whole in my tooth in complete pain? How about if the freezing suddenly wears off when he is drilling? After the first cavity was filled, I started to relax a little bit more because half the procedure was done. And before I knew it, I found myself standing at the reception desk and being presented with a $311 bill. Ouch!

With most of my mouth frozen, I tried not to drool in front of the receptionist, thanked them for the bill and walked out to my car. Too bad they couldn't freeze my wallet to relieve the pain when I pay the bill.