A journey ends

One of the useful gifts I received after darling daughter was born was Taking Care of Baby: The Ultimate Organizer for Busy Parents. I used that book almost religiously for a good month, marking down the number of poops and pees darling daughter had. It was very useful in keeping track of our breastfeeding sessions. I’d jot down detailed notes of what side darling daughter fed on, how long and what time the feeding started.

Flipping through that book now, I can certainly see the progression of our breastfeeding journey. It was rocky in the beginning as darling daughter hated my left breast. Plus, she wasn’t overly keen on the entire thing. And neither was I. How could something that be natural feel unnatural? It didn’t seem right that I was fighting with a newborn in order for her to latch onto my breast. Plus, my nipples hurt. Although we supplemented with formula, I continued to persevere with breastfeeding. Gradually, the supplemented feedings started to gradually disappeared and were replaced by breastfeeding. Soon, we were exclusively breastfeeding.

Our breastfeeding journey is now over. Our journey last for more than 13 months. In a previous post, I talked about my intention to wean darling daughter from the breast. However, I didn’t think it would happen so quickly. Just to recap, last week I decided to reduce her feedings from two to one session per day. The morning feeding, which I was hesitant to give up, when first. Except for some mild protest, darling daughter didn’t mind too much. I thought I would continue on path of one feeding a day for at least the next couple of weeks before concluding the weaning process.

Then I got sick. I took some medication that isn’t recommended for nursing mothers. So instead of worrying, I decided not to breastfeed that day. And she didn’t seem to miss it at all. No protest at bedtime. She just rolled over, found her thumb and went to sleep.

Neither of us knew it at the time, but the feeding I gave her on Friday before going to a BodyStep class was our last ever feeding. Maybe was better that way. I could have breastfed on Sunday, but I decided to leave things as the status quo and see where it would lead us.

It has now been six days and I miss breastfeeding immensely. It was the only time of day where I’d get to cuddle with my squirmy, independent child. It has been a blow to my ego that darling daughter has transitioned to the sippy cup so well. This morning I wondered if I have done the right thing. I know if my heart I have as we were both ready for it to end.

Breastfeeding is such an emotional roller coaster. Some women aren’t able to do it, while others are. I am one who could. During the struggles to get darling daughter latched on properly, dealing with sore nipples and the sleep deprived nights, I wondered if breastfeeding was worth it. It certainly is. It was a gift I gave to darling daughter. And it was a gift that darling daughter gave to me.

I want to share a poem my friend Shelley Mulvihill wrote when she was considering weaning her child, who was 10 months at the time. Their breastfeeding journey is still continuing. I tear up every time I read this poem.

Ode to breastfeeding

I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to do it
How would it feel?
Would it be painful?
Would it be worth it?

I couldn’t share the night time feeds with your dad
I’d be the only one responsible for your nourishment
Would I have enough for you?

In the minutes following your birth
You latched right on
You were meant to breastfeed
I was meant to feed you

I had my moments
Worrying if you were gaining weight
Counting your wet diapers
You were always right on the mark

It has been 10 months now
The thing I wasn’t sure I could do
Has to end soon
And I don’t want it to

Breastfeeding started as my gift to you
But it turns out
It was your gift to me

I want my boobs back

We have had a good 13 month run, but it is time for our breastfeeding journey to end.

It may sound selfish, but I want my boobs back.

With the introduction of sippy cups about a month ago, our breastfeeding sessions have been reduced down to two a day: once in the morning and once at night. And so far, it has been going well. I am concerned about how much liquids darling daughter is actually getting, but she seems to have plenty of wet diapers. Plus, I try to add water whenever I can in her diet. Watermelon is a favourite. And I offer her sippy cups throughout the day.

Except for the morning feeding, she doesn't ask for momma's milk. She seems to be content in using her sippy cup.

So I am at the cusp of transitioning from the breast to the sippy cup. It is a bittersweet time for both me and darling daughter. Although it is nice to be wanted, it is time for breastfeeding relationship to end. I am proud of our journey. At the beginning, I didn't think I'd last 13 days, let alone 13 months. We struggled. There were tears. Darling daughter hated my left boob at first. She'd cry when she saw it. Then after awhile it became her favourite. Although it took some time, I soon discovered how convenient how breastfeeding is. No bottles. No fuss. No muss. I've breastfed on planes, in airports, at malls, in the backseat of the car and in parks. There was a time that I didn't want to introduce solid foods because I didn't want to interrupt our breastfeeding relationship because it was that important to me.

I must admit, I am a bit nervous because the boob is so convenient, especially as a comforting tool, but I am ready. And darling daughter is ready, too. Plus, I want my boobs back.